The past 365 days have been a pivotal one for me. Construction on my house finally finished. I turned 31. I filmed my last scene of PLL, explored a new relationship, helped 250,000 people get clean water, gave up gluten (sort of), and got parasites in Tulum.
The big question for me lately is: what’s next? Here’s the most honest answer: I’m unsure. Through a lot of self exploration, I’ve only arrived at one conclusion: to keep fine tuning, to keep leaning in, to keep doing what feels good for my soul. Creativity is beautiful as it’s stretching my soul to some seriously uncomfortable places. Resilience, grit, compassion, self-care – these are all self-helpy buzzwords that typically warrant an eyeroll – that is, until you find yourself in the season of change.
It hasn’t been the easiest year, but I’m experimenting with being comfortable in the uncomfortable as an alternative to hiding my head under the covers and Netflix binging myself into any sort of darkness, wondering if I’ll ever live up to my own standard of myself, or if anyone even really cares. I’m looking for peace and love in the little stuff – and it’s helping. I’ve decided that when I start to spin out into the self-induced pressure sphere of finding what’s next, I’m just going to be – be grateful for what I’ve built, grateful for what I’ve learned, grateful for patience in the unfolding. As for what’s next, I’m just going to let it find me.
Here’s what I know for sure:
I’m an artist. Tomorrow I’ll be better than today. Rejection is pain, like childbirth – it stretches you to really awkward places, but that’s where the magic is. Looking into my dog’s eyes makes me feel an unconditional love I’ve never known. Meditation is hard. Anxiety is harder. Resilience is necessary. Ego is not anywhere I want to live. I fucking love music. Going away and getting lost is where I feel found.
At the end of the day, here’s what else I know for sure: we don’t need to rush. Slow down to go fast. We don’t need to decide now. So let’s be gentle. We’re allowed to be in love with ourselves, because that’s who we’re supposed to love in the first place. That is an endless journey.
So here’s to moving through life with a little more humility, and a lot more grace. And learning to be ok with feeling uncomfortable.
Photos by Claire Leahy